Why England has the Worst National Anthem on Planet Earth

Back when my Dad was in primary school in the early 1960’s, he received the cane on almost a daily basis. “The cane”, for those who are unaware, was a small piece of wood that was smacked against the hand of many an Australian school kid for breaking the school rules.

But my father never broke the school rules in a conventional way. He never stole from other students, he never hit other students, and he never insulted other students. What he did was recite the following lines when Australia’s National Anthem at the time, “God Save The Queen”, was sung at his school;

“God Save Our Gracious Queen, She is a Jellybean”.

My father had done the unthinkable. He had compared Queen Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg to a sugary and colourful treat! The nerve on the kid! And for this, he was brought into conflict with the school and saw the rough end of a thin piece of wood on a regular basis.

Why did he endure this daily punishment? Well someone had to, he would have thought. England and its subjects in the remnants of the British Empire (Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland) have the worst national anthem on Planet Earth. In fact, England probably has the worst national anthem in human history.

The title of England’s national anthem is bad enough. “God Save the Queen” is a title that suggests that all the people of England and the Provinces are merely serfs and servants beneath a tyrannical and all seeing Biblical God and a monarch whose authority comes from a time when the people of England were still burning “witches” alive. What a fucking legacy.

But the lyrics of the English national anthem are even worse. Take this golden segment for example;

“O Lord our God arise,

Scatter her enemies,

And make them fall,

Confound their politics,

Frustrate their knavish tricks,

On Thee our hopes we fix,

God save us all.”

Holy shit England. Those lyrics are as Medieval as being Hung, Drawn, and Quartered. Suitably Medieval, England’s national anthem contains some very Machiavellian and malevolent spite for people who don’t happen to live in the Land of Pork Pies and Warm Beer (“scatter her enemies and make them fall”). And even then there is still room for an extremely outdated interpretation of Christianity in there (“on thee our hopes we fix, God save us all”).

Destroy the enemies of England! But then pray for your crimes and you will be alright! You can be a completely Machiavellian Piece of Shit, as long as you pray to God afterwards.

Is that the message of your national anthem, England? Because I’m convinced that it is.

I could list some more lyrics from “God Save The Queen”, but I’m not going to. The whole song is one extended psychological fellatio to Queen Liz and the Monarchy as well as a spiritual fellatio to a simple and very interventionist idea of God.

The origins of “God Save The Queen” date back to 1744. Before that year, the song was known as “God Save the King”.

1744 was a good year. It was a happy year. It was a simpler and better time! A time before newfangled and weird shit like the French Revolution, the American Revolution, the Enlightenment, the Industrial Revolution, Civil Rights, and Women’s Rights came along and ruined the world. A time when we took pride in our nations and monarchs!

If you haven’t sensed the oozing sarcasm yet, I’ll say it bluntly. “God Save the Queen” is Planet Earth’s shittest and most horribly outdated national anthem. The people of England and the countries that choose to remain in the Union should feel sick to the stomach when they sing it.

Now, I pride myself of my value of equality. Thus, I must say that Australia’s current anthem is pretty shit too. “Advance Australia Fair” was made the national anthem in 1984. Basically, it was made the national anthem in the era of pastel suits, Wall Street excess, Crocodile Dundee, and cocaine. It is consequently an overly optimistic, overly politically correct, and generally pretty shit national anthem.

But nothing can compare to the sheer serf mentality and repeated instances of psychological and spiritual fellatio inherent in “God Save The Queen”. Because at the end of the day, Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg is just a jelly bean. Or at least her political power is comparable to one. And a song worshiping her is insulting to anyone who considers themselves a proud and independent Homo Sapiens.

I am a freelance writer. My main topics of interest are politics, social issues, and music. I am based in Northern New South Wales, around Byron Bay. My writing is strongly influenced by the society and culture of this unique region of Australia. I don't mind a debate, so don't hesitate to comment on my articles.

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